I noticed a crow family nesting in the pine tree close to my balcony in the back. I have been living in this house for almost twenty years now, and I have seen many crows come and go and stay, but never a crow nest before, well until now. For the first time, during this isolation and despite all the construction going right next door, there it was a mother crow nesting, and then father coming and going and then days after suddenly a mini red beak and then they are feeding the little one.
You see I feel I am being equipped with a super power during this isolation period:
I am becoming Unrushable.
I had indeed started developing this many years ago, seeds here and there. Saying no to outside noise, going on self-directed silence retreats in my home etc. My family and friends will remember how they got used to receiving messages from me saying “I am putting my self on silent mode, for a few days, not to worry”. They found it weird, discomforting and maybe annoying at first but then got used to it. Then there would be times when my mom wouldn’t be able to reach me immediately, and me returning her call a few hours later, she would say, “Oh I thought maybe this was your silent day”. At first, these silent days were needed for me to work out difficult things inside, but then they became these empty spaces of self-care, so essential, where I could allow myself to be fully in, release myself from the need to do anything except for what wants to come – sometimes sitting just looking at my plants, the walls, or drawing or sleeping or housework or meditation. They became spaces where I could go home to myself, re-center, re-collect, re-member the love, the softness, the lightness of just being. They became spaces where new creativity or silent joy would spring naturally and organically.
As I found this home, it became more easier for me to be able to say no to some and then most outer demands on socialization, concerts, events etc. that I had a feeling of “Maybe”, some sort of inner dialogue trying to convince me that I should go when in truth I didn’t want to. I finally came to an inner guideline, which is “If it is a maybe, or you cannot decide, then it is a No.” This has been working for me quite effectively for a while now. I have also noticed the more I work this inner muscle, the clearer the Yes becomes, and the Yes’s are immediate and actionable with no hesitation. Nevertheless, I still found myself in the hustle and bustle of the outer world busy-ness, and even though I have a much less crowded life compared to my friends, it still sometimes seemed to overwhelm me.
I do find much comfort, solace and joy in my silent spaces and my slower rhythms. Yet another level has been opening to me I feel with this isolation during the Covid pandemic. You see I had been choosing to stay in, but the outer buzz, the machine of the city and people kept working, still at its dizzying high pace. So despite my personal choices, I was and still am naturally part of the environment I live in, and the machine got to me, this noise created a dissonance and a push on my systems, created a tension and an anxiety not quite describable with words.
With the isolation, the machine came to a stop, if not a full stop, it slowed down greatly. I literally felt the pressure lift up from my body physically. I felt my stomach relax, my body relax. It was an eye opener to physically see and feel the difference. And then because there was no longer a rush to be somewhere outside, my rhythms really settled in. While I take pretty much the same time for my usual morning routine, somehow there seems to be more space, more doing without the doing, more breathing air and an ease to all of it. I am not doing more calls or zoom meetings than necessary, not rushing anything to be done but somehow everything that needs to get done gets done. It is as if the isolation is holding an alchemical space for this way of being to really anchor. It is helping me to become truly anchored in my own being and become Unrushable.
No thing to be missed. Everything happens in its own time. All is as it should be. Now moment takes care of all, if only I am present with it. It is wonderful, empowering and so loving to be true to my choice, my being. It feels peaceful. Choosing me, choosing the truth of the moment. Truth is always easier. It feels so loving to be Unrushable.
So like the baby crow that does not hatch from its egg until the right time, and like it needs to be fed by the mother and father crow until it grows to be able to fly and maybe even more after that, no thing is rushable. We are not rushable, even if we seem to have had the illusion as such.
So happy and grateful for this gift: Unrushable. As the nature intended it.
elif